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The Addictive Allergen

I know in the long it won't do me good. I know sooner or later it will cause me pain ... or if I'm lucky, just discomfort.
Learning to live without it is a fleeting moment of triumph. For I know that when it comes knocking on my door, I could never resist.

A fleeting moment of victory. ... Finally I've managed to live without the allergen. ... but this allergen is addictive. This allergen always seem good for me ... that is, of course, until the side effects start to manifest.

Few doses of it is fine ... Good even. but what makes it unhealthy is that I know I could never get enough. I'll never stop until my airways are blocked or my hands and face and tongue are swollen.

I'll never stop until I need an ER. I'll push the envelope as far as I can possibly bear. I won't acknowledge the itch ... the first sign that I've had enough. My system has had enough. ... I won't acknowledge the warnings ... as long as it is doing well from my blinded perspective, I'd push it.

So what do I do? ... should I stay sober from it ... forever?

Should I stop taking a few doses from time to time since I know it won't ever be "few"

Somebody free me from this ... please?

we're okay

...2011 was a crazy crazy year

Moment of false


Nobody has called me in a long time. A year and a half ago whenever the phone rings I'd have this feeling, for some reasons I just know that if it was for me.

well, aside from the texts and PMs .... I just knew.

---

The phone rang. My father answered it. I was for me. 

"hello?" I said.

There was no answer. right then and there I realized who it was. I couldn't be wrong. I could tell just from the sound of his breathing ... It's him.

"Hello?" I asked again. I wanted to say I know it's him, but I couldn't, the words were trapped in my throat. 

There was about a minute or two of silence --awful silence. Every second of it was torture and yet I couldn't put the phone down.

then finally, the caller spoke

four sentences ... that's all he had to say after so long ... four god damn sentences ... it wasn't actually the words, it was how it was said.

the first sentence was something foreign I'm not sure if it's french or spanish or latin ... I tried to remember it so maybe I could look it up but it was just so unclear.

"would you like to fuck me?" he sounded drunk. I know it sounds offensive, but the thing with him is, he could utter the harshest words and yet convey a heart warming message and he could say the sweetest thing and make you feel bad about it ... it's not about the words he says ... it's about how it was said.

"would you like to be my girlfriend?" I felt as if a blunt knife was pierced through my heart. he was struggling just let that out. I could tell.

"because I miss you and I can't not be a part of your life anymore ..." 

I froze from where I was standing. I wanted to cry, but even the tears refused to come out. 

If I was to be totally honest ... my responses would be: 

"what?"
"I'm not yet ready"
"I'm not sure but I'm leaning more towards on YES"
and
"are you absolutely sure about this?"

The overflowing honesty burns me. I don't know if I could handle it.
It was the moment of truth ...

I wanted to give in. I wanted to forget the consequences and just jump into it. but I couldn't.
if there's one thing I learned from all of these is that total honesty would make me vulnerable, total honesty would cause me nothing but pain. ... 

but despite all that ... I still wanted to be honest. But I couldn't. I have to protect myself because no one else would do that for me ... 

but the again somewhere, deep inside of me ... I just don't care ... I don't care about protecting myself, all I wanted was to take this chance and see where it leads me ... but then the words ...

they were trapped inside my throat, no matter how hard I try I just couldn't get them out ...



Then, I heard someone tapping on my window ... it was my brother, coming home at 4 in the fucking morning ... It wasn't real ... it was just a dream.

It felt so real ... it felt so fucking real ... 

I can't go back from the start again ... I'm tired ... so tired.

Dispensable

5 long, excruciating and confusing months had passed. I'm on to a whole new level. 

HATE.

... no I don't hate him ... I want to. I want to ... so bad ... but I just couldn't.

HE promised me he'll remain my friend. I believed that. I held on to it. ...

He was one of my dearest friends. he told me that I was important to him too. 

How could he just throw me away like that?

This pain that I'm feeling now ... this is so much worse. 

Getting over the fact that the feeling wasn't mutual was easy. 

But this ... the idea of your very best friend throwing you away just because it's easier, just because it's more convenient ... 
It's messing me up.

He has his reasons, he has his reasons ... I kept telling myself that.

I had my reasons too ... why I changed, what's with all the aggravation ... I was in love with him. 
I trusted our friendship enough to tell him that .... he told me he would understand ... he told me he'll still be my friends ...

This is not how he treats his friends ... fuck.

 I wanted to hate him ... I wanted to ... But I couldn't

fading

I guess this means I'm better now. :)

I told myself the next post i'd put on this blog would have to be all about how I have moved on. 

I guess I kept half of that promise. I wouldn't lie, I still have feelings for him. but I'm glad to say that it's not as strong as before. The past month was one of the hardest I'd have to endure so far. I know this is just the beginning. 

I've come to really accept that this is not going anywhere. That doesn't mean that I've lost all hopes though. No matter how hard I try not to ... something inside me's still hoping that one day he'll wake up and realize what I realized a year ago.

Yes. somehow I'm still hoping for that ... but nah! that won't ever happen. Now more than ever things are clear to me.

I was never in that picture. 

I was caught between a tragic love story of two stubborn people. I felt it. They did fell in love. I could be wrong, but I wouldn't bet on it. ... *sigh ... the tragedy of a love so dysfunctional it injured an innocent bystander :/ 

I almost went where she had gone. how could her love turn into such hatred? I'd never let that happen to me. to us. no matter how broken my heart was for the past month, still, I couldn't let it cloud all the good memories we had. 

I saw where we're headed ... it was the same path she took. I didn't want to go down that road so I decided to confess. ... I could be feeling exactly how she's feeling right now --bitterness.

Perhaps I went all stupid and assumed that he felt something for me when in fact it was for her. That was stupid of me. but I don't regret even a minute of it. That man loves me. I'm sure of that ... maybe just not the way I wanted to. but he does. I know. 

Time and again, I lie to myself and say that I didn't really love him. That perhaps I was just enjoying the brand new attention that I'm getting. but no this is love, i'm sure of it. ... Mine may be one-sided but that doesn't make it any less real than what couples have. 

This is, by far, the most honest feeling I've ever had. I fell in love and no one can question that. Of the millions of things I'm confused about, ... I'm certain that this is not one of them.

but I think I'm done now. 

This ends here. I may still have feelings for him but at least now I have the sense not to let get deeper than how it is now. I remember him telling me all about heartbreaks. How you cry yourself to sleep, how hard you try to fall asleep because consciousness brings so much pain, how everywhere you go you are reminded of why you're heart is breaking and how you can relate to every god damned sad love song on the radio. 

I jumped on all the cliche I know just to get this depression over with. I cut my hair short, I cried, I ate a lot (actually I do that even when i'm not depressed), I cried, I bought new clothes, I cried ... 

Everything!

Just so the pain would become bearable. 

then ... everyday, love song after love song ... I noticed the pain was fading. 

The songs i used to play just ... didn't seem to be for me anymore.


What now?

After almost a year of resisting, denying and giving in to this feeling ... 
Finally, I had the courage to tell him.

now I ask, What now?

What comes next? I'm not dumb enough to expect everything to be the same as before. Things have changed. I have changed. He has changed. 

a million times have I pictured myself confessing my feelings. I have pictured a million different ways of getting rejected by him. but one version of the story always stands out ... the version where he smiles back at me, gives me a hug then whisper to my ear "I've been waiting for this." 

as far fetched as it may be, that version was (or maybe still is) my favorite bedtime story
Far fetched ... yeah ... he's not the kind to wait around for a stupid little girl to get it together and confess. IF HE LIKES YOU, much less, LOVES YOU ... he'll tell you. he didn't tell me anything. 

Once upon a time, I thought he was showing me signs. I thought I had a shot. I thought I saw that look in his eyes. I thought I felt it in his embrace.

I thought, I thought, I thought ... It was all in my head again ...  I had nothing. there wasn't any sign, I never had a shot ... that look wasn't for me. That embrace meant nothing.

My heart was crushed when he told me to whom was it for. It wasn't for me ... Stupid, stupid, stupid girl. ... Why did I ever think it was? I dealt with the pain and promised myself that I will move on. I could've been happy for them. I know I could.

but then something happened ... She left. 

The pain I felt the night he told me wasn't even half as bad when I saw him shed a tear. I was crushed. 
Then I realized ... It only hurts when he's hurting. 

I promised myself I'll move on. I keep on trying but something's always pulling me back. Stupid subconscious couldn't shut the fuck up. it keeps on shouting and shouting and shouting ... telling me to trust it, telling me that there really is something there ... that maybe if I won't be so hard headed and not fight it ... maybe i'd have something special. ... 

All I know is I'm happy when he's around. I don't give a damn if he feels the same or not. well, maybe a little. but the thing is ... whether the feeling is mutual or not, my feelings for him wouldn't change. 

The thing is, whether the feeling is mutual or not, we still stay late at school just talking, we stay up late talking on the phone or exchanging messages, he listens to me and I listen to him. He spends an awful lot of time with me and I can't ask for anything more. 

Why did it have to change? ... why the fuck did it have to change?

Writer's Block: Friends 4 ever

Do you have a best friend? How old is your friendship?

about 10 years now.
 you can't go back to square one.
keep your ground. don't flinch. 

no damage has been done. 

endure it. endure it until it doesn't matter anymore
 
damn parable

there was once a lonely pilot barnstorming for a living. then one day a traveler jumped inside her plane. no questions asked. the traveler was wise. he had a lot of stories and advices to share. in that short period of time, they became good friends. the pilot sure did learn a lot from him. until one day it's just too much for the pilot to handle.

the pilot dropped him from the plane. whether the pilot did it on purpose or not ... nobody knows.

the traveler landed on a beautiful land. his bones were broken all over. he was lying under a magnificent cherry blossom tree marveling on how the rays of sun poke through it's majestic pink leaves. he just lied there feeling his pain ... and for some reason he seems to be enjoying it.

then came the bystander ... the bystander was so worried she wanted to take him to the hospital but he refused to. the bystander wanted to treat his wounds but doesn't know how to. she wanted to take him to the hospital. for some reason she felt the pain he was supposed to be feeling and she couldn't stand it.

it is breaking her heart to see him lying there. she wanted to take him to the hospital ... she wanted it so bad, so bad  ... but refused to.

he said "if there's someone who's supposed to bring me there it should be the pilot."

the bystander then said " but what if she wanted to come back but doesn't know how to?"
he answered "she's not that stupid ... if she wanted to she'll come back."

the bystander wanted to take him to the hospital so bad ... so bad ... but he refused to.

this is probably the first time i'd wrote in my language ... damn it ... i'm too drunk to think.

or not ... fuck IDK.

that night when we talked about that damn parable ... (by the way we just made it up)
i seriously thought he was over the whole thing. i thought he was finally moving on ... 
i thought ...  fuck, how about the subtleties? how about the gestures how about ... fuck ... once again i presumed too much. 

how stupid was i to not realize that this kind of issue would have to take more than a lousy month to get over with.

the streetlights were bright that night. the traffic was beaming red  tail lights on our faces. the wind, blowing cold breeze on our faces.

he was quiet ... so ... quiet.

i took one glimpse at him and saw him wiping his tears. fuck ... he's still hurting ... he's still hurting. he's still hurting. he's still hurting. he's still hurting. he's still hurting. he's still hurting. he's still hurting .he's still hurting. he's still hurting, he's still hurting. he's still hurting. he's still hurting. he's still hurting. he's still hurting.


my heart broke into a million pieces ... it's not that he is in love with someone else ... i've gotten over that fact a long long long time ago ...

but God, why's he still hurting? ... didn't the bystander provide enough first aid?

guess not.

time and again he's telling that he'll need someone who'll understand him ... 

fuck that ... he has that ... he HAVE that ... why does he refuse to see????

oh well .... still. i managed to write in english.

it's been a while

 it's been three months since my last post ...

and fuck you're still the first thing that comes to my mind.

I was wrong about that Wednesday afternoon ... what the fuck was i thinking?
It wasn't me ... you are in love or at least you were .... but not with me. ... it wasn't me.

for the last three months i've been confused ... what the hell does all of this mean?

before 2010 ended ... you broke my heart ... you finally told me ... 
it's been her all along .... i knew it ... i've seen the way you look at her ... but i chose to fool myself.

three months ago i was confused ... i dont know what i'm feeling because i dont know how you feel for me ...

but now i do .. you care for me ... and you love me .... 

but you're not in love with me ... sadly ... i am ... i'm sure now ... 

time and again i've been telling myself to move on .... but how could i? ... how could i when every time i try to you'll something or say something that would make fall even more?